January 2006 – The Aitenshi Project

…pain doesn’t matter anymore… …because no matter what you do, it still hurts…. …you cannot do anything about it… …hopeless…

…no matter how you try to avoid it…. …it always follow you…. …i don’t know… …why….

…why…

…you did your best… …not to let it reach you… …but still…. ….inevitable….

….you run away from it…. …but it still…. …follows you….

…stupid…

….you did nothing wrong…. …but still…

…painful…

…and stupid…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

nakakainis talaga, the same syndrome na naman… ala na ba talagang pag-asa ang kahibangang ito…medyo ok na ko ngayon…marahil siguro ay nasa public place ako ngayon, medyo masaya ang atmosphere…pero naiinis pa rin…ganito kasi ang nangyari…

sunday.

may usapan kami na magmimeet ng 1pm sa isang internet shop.ito ay dahil sa tutulungan ko siya magdownload ng “express scribe,” isang program na gagamitin niya sa kanyang studies.ito ang usapan namin pagkatapos naming magmeet last nyt nang hindi nya natapos ung practical exam niya sa computer subject nya na takehome, kasi kelangan nga ung program na yon. ok naman nung morning kasi excited ang buong pilipinas dahil sa laban ni manny pacquiao (para sa ‘yo ang laban na ‘to…), kaya naman tumawag ako ng mga 12 ng tanghali para maconfirm kung tuloy kami…paubos na load ko nun pero tumawag pa rin me. antagal nagriring ng phone…tapos, sinagot nya,medyo husky ung boses,”hello?” tapos sinabi nya na konti lang ang tulog nya kagabi kung kaya sinabi nya na baka pwedeng 3pm na lang ng hapon kasi sisimba kami.kaya naman tinanong ko sya kung paano na yung download?sabi nya download na rin after.medyo hindi magandang balita yun kasi nagprepare na ko ng sarili ko paalis ng haus, di ko na nasabi dahil, “tut…tut…tut…”, ubos na ang load ko.so, nanuod na lang ako ng laban ni pacman, galing talaga ng pilipino!! proud to be one for a moment.tapos medyo nagpa-late ako ng punta sa simbahan, siguro past 3:30 na ko dumating dun kasi lagi syang nagpapa-late.pag ang usapan namin ay 3pm, dadating yun ng 3:50, buzzer-beater.pero pagdating ko, ala pa sya sa simbahan, nilibot ko ang buong simbahan pero ala pa rin sya,ibig sabihin hindi pa sya dumadating. natapos ang 3pm mass, 4pm na…ala pa rin.nakatayo ako sa gilid ng simbahan, madilim ang kalangitan.pero wala pa rin.dumating ang 4:30,nagcocollect na ang mga matatandang lola ng pera for donations, pero wala pa rin.pakshyet, umulan!! medyo malakas din ang ulan.pero wala pa rin.gusto ko sana syang tanungin kung asan na sya kaya lang ala ako load.kaya, sa kalagitnaan ng ulan,kinalaban ko at inilagan ang bawat patak ng tikatik na ulan para maghanap kung san pede magpaload,pero nabigo ako, nabasa pa rin ako, at ang bawat patak na inilagan ko ay tumama lahat sa akin.shyet aym so wet!pero nd ako sumuko, naghanap pa rin ako ng pdeng paloadan, lahat halos ng puntahan kong autoload ang sabi sa kin ay,”pending po ang autoload namin e”.bullshit na pacquiao un a, nakipagsabayan pa sa kin.natraffic kasi ang lahat ng networks dahil sa pagkapanalo ni pacman.pero nakatsamba ako, nagmakaawa ako sa isang cellphone store, “hihintayin ko na lang po..” pumayag sya, at naghintay ako,ok lang, ala pa naman 5 minutes ako naghintay e, nd naman pala ganun ka’pending’.so, bumalik ako ng simbahan, ginalugad ko muna ito, pero wala pa rin sya.hindi pa rin sya dumadating.sumilong ako sa ilalim ng aircon ng opisina ng simbahan.medyo ambon na lang kaya naglakas-loob akong maglabas ng cellphone.tumawag ako,sinagot nya,

“hello? bb, asan ka na?”

“ikaw, asan ka na?!”

“andito sa bahay…”

unti-unti na akong naiinis, kumakanta na sila ng “Ama namin”, antagal ko na dun…

“tangna, kala ko ba alas-tres?! pumunta ka na dito!”

“kanina ka pa ba jan?”

hindi ko sinagot ang tanong…

“bakit anjan ka pa?!”

“bb, masakit ang ulo ko”

na naman, lagi na lang, naiinis na talaga ako…nakakabaliw makipagpatintero sa ulan pagkatapos tumayo ng matagal.lagi na lang,masakit ang ulo, ayoko mang isipin dahil alam kong hindi sya magaling magsinungaling,pero baka dahilan na lang to,gusto kong tanggapin na masakit ang ulo nya, pero di ko magawa…pilitin ko man,ayaw pa rin.kahit alam kong laging masama ang pakiramdam nya,hindi ko pa rin matanggap,marahil dahil sa mga nangyari sa kin habang hinihintay sya,mula tanghali hanggang mag-Ama Namin ang mga tao sa simbahan.may bumulong din sa isipan ko,’bakit ikaw, kahit tinatrangkaso,kahit hindi ka na magkanda-gulapay pagbangon,pupunta ka pa rin?’ oo nga ano,kasi ayoko syang mamuti ang mata kahihintay.ayoko syang magmukhang tanga kalilingon sa kaliwa, kanan at likuran.kasi ayoko syang maghintay sa hindi naman dadating.ayokong maghintay sya sa wala…oo nga,pagod na ako kahihintay, sya ang tipo ng taong itetext ako na hindi sya makakapunta pagsapit ng alas-nwebe ng gabi.kaya naman ang nasabi ko ay,

“tangna, bahala ka…” tut…tut…tut…

binaba ko na ang cellphone ko.nag-aalab ang aking pagkainis, pero pinilit kong itago, dahil nasa simbahan ako. tinapos ko ang misa, sa pag-aakalang pupunta rin sya.nagkamali ako.nagsimula nang lumabas ang mga tao sa simbahan.bawat isa sa kanila ay nakangiti at nagpaplano pang pumunta sa SM.at bawat magkaparehang dumaan sa harapan ko ay tila ba nang-iinggit sa mga matatamis na ngiti nila sa isa’t isa.nakakabalisa.nakalabas na ang mga tao, at pumapasok naman ang iba para sa 5o’clock mass.dinayal ko ulit ang number nya…

“the subscriber cannot be rea…”pinatay ko na.alam kong kahit magdamag akong tumawag, hindi nya yun sasagutin.lagi yun.pinapatay ang cellphone nya para hindi sya macontact, kahit ilang araw o linggo ang lumipas, hanggang gusto nya.kahit na nag-aalala ka na kung baka pinasok ang bahay nila, o may killer na napapabalita sa buong kabayanan..

dati ay ok lang yun dahil kahit patay ang cell nya, hinahanap ko naman sya dahil ayokong mawala ang communication namin sa isat-isa.hinahanap ko sya sa lahat ng internet shop.nag-aalala din naman ako na baka may lumapit na manyakis sa kanya.wala akong magagawa dun dahil wala ako kung mangyayari man yun.kaya sa much as possible, ako na mismo ang iiwas na mangyari yun, kahit na hatinggabi ay maghahanap ako, dahil lampas hatinggabi sya umuuwi pagkatapos mag-internet.naiinis din ako pag minsan dahil kahit may date kami, ika-cancel nya dahil puyat daw sya nung gabi.ok lang, pero malalaman ko na lang na nag-internet pala sya magdamag at umuuwi ng 7 ng umaga.nakakabadtrip di ba?kung aaliwin mo na nga naman ang sarili mo, iwasan mong wag madamay ang iba, di ba?

pero ngayon, iba na, napagod na akong maghanap, kasi magagalit naman sa akin pag nahanap ko sya, sinasabi nya sa kn na kung pede ay ibigay ko sa kanya ang araw na yun para sa sarili nya.ok, time for yourself, ok yun.pero next day, nd mo pa rin macocontact, time for herself pa rin.ok pa rin, baka extension.next day, nd pa rin macontact.next day,next day, next day, next day….shyet, abusado.internet everyday, ubos pera.pero pag date na, ako na lang palagi, ala daw sya pera.unfair.may panginternet magdamag pero kahit man lang pambili ng isaw wala.nakakapagod din namang maging martyr.nakakapagod din ang abusuhin.nakakapagod din naman talaga.

back to the story, pagkatapos ng mass, sumakay ako ng tricycle papunta sa kanila, nagmadali pa ako.gagong tricycle driver un, doble siningil sa kin!!pagpunta ko dun, kumatok ako ng kumatok sa pinto.ala nasagot.kumatok ng kumatok.

tok..tok..

katok pa…

tok..tok..

di ko alam, 15 minutes ata ako dun nagkakakatok.

tapos lumabas sya ng kwarto, mukhang kababangon lang. umatras naman ako ng pintuan.andun sya sa may pintuan.hindi ako nagsasalita, hinihintay ko na magsorry naman sya kahit papano.cancelled na naman ang lakad namin. na naman. na naman.ala sya iniimik.hanggang sa sinabi nya na,

“kung wala kang sasabihin, pwede ka nang umalis”

nagsabog ng lagim ang kalangitan.sumabog ang lahat ng bulkan.nabiyak ang lupa at nilamon ako ng buong-buo!!paksyet, totoo ba ang narinig ko? feeling ko, ang kapal ng mukha nya.i lost my temper…tinumba ko bigla ang sampayan nila.

“Ikaw pa ngayon ang may ganang magalit?!!!”,medyo nabubulol pa ako.

nagwalk-out ako at hindi na lumingon pa ulit.sinabi ko sa sarili ko habang papalayo ako, na hinding-hindi ko na syang hahabulin pa para mag-usap kami about this matter.sobra na ata yun.kasi pag nag-away kami, ako na lang lagi ang naghahabol para mag-usap kami, at least for the last 2 years.pinipilit kong tumawag at magtext kahit pinatay nya ang cellphone nya.

monday.

ala pa rin sya tinetext,missed call,nothing..

tuesday.

nada.

wednesday.

sinira ko na ang pride ko.after my 1pm class, tumawag ako.nagriring yung phone…tapos biglang,”tut..tut..tut..”kinancel nya yung call. inulit ko, baka namali lang ng pindot, “tut..tut..tut..”cancel ulit.na naman. ganito ang lagi nyang ginagawa bago patayin ng sobrang tagal ang phone nya.cancel ang tawag mo.bastusan na to.tapos, tumawag ulit ako baka mali ulit ng pindot,sa wakas sinagot nya, tapos biglang,”tut…tut…tut…”end yung call. ubos ulit load ko.parang nabastos naman ata ako dun.kaya naman nagtext na lang ako at hopefully not the last text to her:

“fyn..ayoko n.ngsswa n k ng gn2..parang kslanan k p n mainjan at palayasn kht aku n ang pmnta.

ayoko n tlga,nhhrpn n k.kng nkkpgcmpete k,panalo k n..”

nahihirapan na talaga ako..ako na nga ang naghanap ng way para magka-usap kami,ganun pa ang gagawin nya.

well,ito LANG naman ang point of view ko sa nangyari.maaring may mali akong nagawa, pero feeling ko,mali din sya.

bahala na po kayo kung sino sa palagay nyo ang mas may point.

gabi na, uwi na ko…

Translation
i’m really annoyed, it’s the same syndrome again..is there no hope for this delusion…i’m ok right now…probably it’s because i’m in a public place, the atmosphere is happy…but i’m still annoyed…here’s what happened..
sunday.
we decided to meeet at 1pm on an internet shop. it’s because i will help her download “express scribe”, a program she needs for her studies. this is what we agreed after meeting last night when she didn’t finish her takehome practical exam on a computer subject, because she needed that program. the morning was ok since the whole philippines was so excited because manny pacquiao has a fight, that’s why i called her at around noon to confirm… my load was running out but i still called. the phone was ringing for a long time…then, she answered, with a husky voice, “Hello?” then she said that she didn’t slept well so she asked me to move it to 3pm since we were going to church anyway. then i asked her about the download, she said to download it after. that’s not a very good news since i was already prepared to leave the house, but i wasn’t able to say it because, “tut.. tut… tut…”, my load ran out. so i just watched pacman’s fight, filipinos are really good! proud to be one for a moment. then a purposefully arrived late at around past 3:30 since she’s always late. when we decide to meet at 3pm, she would always arrive at 3:50, buzzer-beater! but when i arrived, she wasn’t there, so i searched for her in the church, but she’s still no where to be found, that would mean that she hasn’t arrived yet. the 3pm mass ended. it was already 4pm…she’s still not here. i was standing at the left side of the church, the sky is gloomy. but she’s still not coming. 4:30 arrived, the old ladies are already collecting donations, but she’s still not around. shit, it’s raining!! it was raining hard. but she’s still not here. i really wanted to ask where she is, but i have no load. so, in the middle of the rain, i battled and dodged every drop of rain to search for places where i can find cellphone load, but i failed, i was still wet, and every drops that i dodged all hit me. shit, i’m so wet! but i didn’t give up, i still searched for a place where i can buy load, and almost every establishments that i went that has autoload says, “our autoload is pending.” pacquiao is bullshit, adding up to my problems. all the networks are experiencing heavy traffic because of pacquiao’s victory. but i got lucky, i pleaded to one cellphone store, “i’ll just wait for it then.” the person agreed, and i waited, it’s ok, i just waited for a little less than 5 minutes, and it really wasn’t that pending. so, i went back to the church, searched it, but she still hasn’t arrived. i took shelter under the aircon of the office of the church. it’s now only a drizzle, so i got the courage to bring out my cellphone. i called, she answered,
“hello, bb, where are you?”
“how about you, where are you?”
“here in the house..”
i started to get pissed, they were singing “Our Father”, i was already there for so long…
“shit, i thought 3pm?! come here at once!”
“were you there long?”
i didn’t answer the question..
“why are you still there?!”
“bb, my head hurts”
again, as always, i’m really pissed.. it’s crazy dodging the rain and standing for so long. head is always hurting, i don’t want to think about it, but she’s not a good liar, maybe it’s her alibi, i want to accept her reason that her head hurts, but i can’t… even if i try, i can’t.. even if i know that she always doesn’t feel well, i can’t accept it, probably because of everything that has happened while waiting for her, starting from noon to Our Father. then something whispered on my ear, “how about you, even if you have a flu, you’d still get up and go meet her?” i didn’t want to make her wait for me for too long. i don’t want her to look like an idiot searching from left to right and behind. because i don’t want her to wait for someone who wouldn’t arrive. i don’t want her to wait for nothing.. yes, i’m tired of waiting, she’s the type who would text me that she can’t come when it’s already 9pm. so i said,
“fuck off, it’s your choice….” tut…tut….tut….
i hung my cellphone. i was burning with rage, but i tried to hide it, since i was in the church. i finished the mass, as i was expecting her to come. i was wrong. everyone started to go home from the church, everyone was smiling and planning to go to SM. and every couple that pass by me seems to be flaunting their sweet smile for each other. lethargic. everyone has gone, and other have started coming in for the 5 0’clock mass. i dialled her number again…
“the subscriber cannot be rea…” i turned it off. i know that even if i called her until morning, she wouldn’t answer. it always has been. she turns off her cellphone so she cannot be contacted, no matter how many days or weeks will pass, as long as she wants to. even if we’re worried that their house has been infiltrated or a killer is on the loose..
previously, it was ok even if she turns of her phone, i always searched for her because i don’t want to lose our communications. i look for her on every computer shop. i was also worried that perverts will come to her. i cannot do anything about that, since i’m not there. so as much as possible, i would prevent it from happening, even if it takes me until midnight, since she always finishes in the wee hours of the morning. i’m also pissed by the fact that she cancels our dates because she didn’t sleep last night. it’s ok, but when i knew that she was just on an internet shop and goes home at 7 in the morning. if you really want to have some fun, do it without sacrificing others, right?
but this time, it’s different, i’m tired of searching, because she always gets mad when i find her, she says to give her the day off for her self. fine, time for yourself, it’s good. but the next day, you can’t contact her, still time for herself? it’s still ok, maybe it’s an extension. next day, you still can’t contact her. next day, next day, next day… shit, abusive. internet everyday, wasting money. but when it’s time for the date, i’m always spending. unfair. you have money for internet the whole night but you can’t even spend a little barbecue for me? it’s very tiring being a martyr. it’s also very tiring to be abused. it’s tiring.
back to the story, after the mass, i rode a tricycle going to their house, i was in a rush. stupid tricycle driver, charging me double! when i arrived, i knocked and knocked at their door. nobody’s answering. knock and knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock some more…
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
knock..knock..
i don’t know, i think i was knocking for 15 minutes..
then she went out of her room, looking like she just woke up. i stepped back from the door. she’s there. i didn’t say anything, i was waiting for her to apologize. our date was cancelled again. again. again. she’s not saying anything. until she said,
“if you have nothing to say, you may go!”
the heaven sent it’s wrath, every volcano erupted. the earth was split and i was devoured whole!! shit, is this really true? i feel that she’s too much. i lost my temper. i knocked over their clothesline.
“so, now you have the right to be angry?!” i was stuttering.
i walked out and never looked back. i said to myself as i walk away, i would never ever chase her to talk to her about this matter. that’s too much. because when we have a fight, i’m always the one to chase her to talk, at least for the last 2 years. i tried to call and text her, but she just turns off her cellphone.
monday.
no text, no missed calls, nothing.
tuesday.
nada.
wednesday.
i swallowed my pride. after my 1pm class, i called her. the phone rang… then suddenly, “tut.. tut… tut..” she cancelled the call. i repeated it, because she probably pressed a wrong button, “tut..tut..tut..” cancelled again. again. this is what she always do before turning off her cellphone for good. cancel the calls. this is impolite. i called again, she probably pressed a wrong button again. then finally, she answered, then, “tut..tut..tut..”, the call ended. my load is consumed. i was insulted. that’s why i just texted her, and hopefully it wasn’t my last text:
“fine,i’m fed up.i don’t like this anymore..it’s like my mistake for being left alone and driven away even if i went. i really don’t like this anymore, i’m suffering. if this is a competition, then you win.”
i’m really having a hard time, i was the one who’s searching for a way for us to talk, then she’ll do that?
well, this is ONLY my point of view about what happened. it’s possible that i did something wrong, but i feel that she’s also to blame.
it’s up to you to judge on who has a better point.
it’s late, i’m going home…

Month: January 2006

Chapter 9: Sealed Emotions